School of Poker
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School of Poker » GAMBLING QUICKIES

Three Bucks a Year

Hey, did ya hear about the new 3 million dollar Ohio State Lottery?

The winner receives 3 dollars a year for one million years.

Holy Matrimoney

A bum asks a man for 2 dollars, to which the man asks, "Are you going to blow it on booze?"

The bum replies, "No."

The man says, "Are you goiong to gamble it away?"

“No.” says the bum.

So the man suggests, "Hey, how about coming over to my house so my wife can get a good look at what happens to a man that doesn't drink or gamble?"

Angry Old Woman

Q: How do you get a lovable little 75 year old lady to say f**k?

A: Get another lovable little 75 year old lady to yell BINGO!

Beat the Casino

How can you best prevent Vegas casinos from getting your money?

When you step off the airplane, walk directly into the propellers!

Clams Casino

How's a casino similar to a woman?

Liquor in the front, poker in the back.

For the Dogs

Q: What’s the difference between a lousy poker player and a dog?

A: In around 10 years the dog quits whining.

Gamblers Anonymous

Rodney Dangerfield once entered a Gamblers Anonymous program.

They gave him 3 to 1 odds he wouldn't make it.

Going Steady

"No wife can tolerate a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner."

Jungle Poker

Why did the elephant refuse to play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs!

No-Brainer

The best bet a player can make is what's known as a "Mind Bet." You stand behind the poker game watching the play and try to predict who'll win. You don't bet any real money, you just bet in your mind. The other day a buddy of mine lost his mind 3 times.

Pizza or Poker

What is the difference between a large pizza and a poker player?

The pizza can feed a family of four; a poker player cannot.

Please God!

How are praying in church and praying in a casino different?

In a casino, you really mean it!

Definition of a Lottery

Lottery: A tax on folks who are terrible at math.

Miss Loser

Little Sally was the quietest girl in school. She never answered any questions but her homework was always very good. Whenever anyone said anything to her she'd simply nod her head. The staff assumed she was shy and decided to do something to give her confidence.

"Sally," said her teacher. "I have just bet Miss Waldo five dollars I can get you to say three words. You can have half."

Sally looked at Miss Waldo with pity and replied, "You lose."